Karate Stallion

Finally a video that confirms everything I’ve ever believed about Cleveland.  As someone who has frequently driven through that city one time, I feel that most would agree I’m kind of an expert on the subject.  It’s nice to see that someone with video production capacity shares my disdain for this blight on the country.

From the artists(?) who brought you “Dick in a Box”, here’s a beautiful ode to mothers.

Happy Mother’s Day!  Also, this will kick off a series of posts showcasing Mr. T’s lessons on how to not suck at life.

Billy Bob Thornton goes on a radio show to promote his band, The Boxmasters, and the interviewer mentions Billy Bob’s career in Hollywood.  Billy Bob’s reaction?  Treat the poor guy like garbage.  Classy.

Having watched the video, I have to ask this question: Exactly how did Billy Bob come to think of himself as being so damn tough? There are a few possible answers to this:

• He’s 6 feet tall
  Why does he feel tough? While this is a solid height for a guy, it’s by no means “tough guy” height.  Incredibly intimidating? Not at all.  However, he spends a lot of his time among other actors, a group of people known to be pipsqueaks.  Billy Bob probably feels like Godzilla in a crowd of folks like that.
  Does this actually make him tough? Maybe among actors.  However, the guy weighs a buck 40.  140 lbs?  That’s chick weight.
• He’s played an asshole in many of his movies (Bad Santa, Bad News Bears, School for Scoundrels, The Ice Harvest, etc.)
  Why does he feel tough? Playing a jerk over and over again who rarely gets punished for his transgressions might rub off onto him when he’s not working.  He probably leaves the set and feels bullet-proof.
  Does this actually make him tough? His overall demeanor probably carries some weight in intimidating people who screw with him.  The day he runs into someone who’s not going to put up with his crap is the day he comes to the harsh realization that there are consequences to being a douchebag.  Fortunately for him, he’s most likely surrounded by people kissing his ass.
• He tagged Angelina Jolie.
  Why does he feel tough? Younger readers might only know Angelina Jolie as the fairly attractive mother of every orphan in the developing world.  Others might only know her as the actress most likely to play the OctoMom, should we be cursed with the misfortune of a movie about Nadya Suleman’s life.  Shocking as it may be, Angelina Jolie was once viewed by many as the girl most likely to end homosexuality for men, but kick it in to high gear for women.
  Does this actually make him tough? If Billy Bob Thornton is willing to share pictures proving that he has seen her naked, then yes, he is the toughest man alive.  Otherwise, no.  Having humped Jolie just makes him a guy who was in the right place at the right time to take advantage of a hot girl with daddy issues.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

SNL digital shorts don’t come much better than “I’m on a Boat”.

I like Bon Jovi.  I’ve bought his music since it was coming out on cassette tapes.  He seems like a decent guy, and very few of his songs have ever made me want to step out into traffic at rush hour.  However, this guy clearly has a really special relationship with “Livin’ on a Prayer”.  It appears that Bon Jovi torches his soul with good vibes.  Good for you, kid.  Keep on rockin.

I’m starting to get a little weirded out that the most popular internet videos are most often about little girls and boys.  This will be the last one featuring children for awhile on Karate Stallion…at least a week.

Evidently he was inspired to expand his mind by this child.

I’ll be looking for this little girl in both the police blotter and Ocean’s 14.

This child is high as a kite after a trip to the dentist, and it’s awesome.  It appears he’ll be looking forward to many more visits.  Important note to parents: If you feel the need to get drunk, stoned, high, etc., you don’t always have to share with your children.  But if you do, be sure to have a camera handy.  That way we can all have a good chuckle while you’re hauled away in chains